Find Your Voice

Bring in the new year… Many are ready to say goodbye to 2016. We lost so much talent, our country was divided by a difficult election, and many faced personal challenges. I tend not to think of one year as better than another. It’s a process, a winding road, that leads to hills and valleys, smooth curves and sharp turns. For me, 2016 was a year of transformation. A relationship that I thought was my last, ended abruptly. But, in truth, it died in the year before, we just hadn’t acknowledged it. Abrupt change, like sharp turns, can be disruptive, alarming and challenging to deal with. But, if you embrace the process, it can lead to better because while it is an ending, it is also a beginning.

Despite the way it sounds, like a trite, motivational meme, for me, it the way I find I have to see things positively because my life has had many sharp turns, many endings, and if I don’t twist them into something positive then I might as well just give up. Instead, I forced myself to accept what had been unimaginable before, and press ahead to the next adventure. In that process, which was a lot like removing layer after layer of clothing, so that with each layer gone, you feel that much more flexible, light and free, I started to find my voice, my true self. I’ve always known she was there but she was not openly accepted because she was more intense, adventurous and confident than I felt comfortable revealing. But no more.

I don’t believe in resolutions for the new year. I think when you are ready to shift, to grow, you just do it whenever that might be.  In dealing with loss and change, I came to grips with who I was in the relationship and who I really am. Because I had not been true to myself, I had covered up with weight, burdened with inertia, held back when I needed to push ahead. Now that I am free, I have made sweeping changes in my life, positive changes, that have allowed my true self to step into the light.

One of the biggest challenges I faced this year was how to deal with this blog. I had started it during my journey to obtain a visa for my ex. Our love story and immigration process was the inspiration for most of what I wrote, as well as my travels to see him. Then, it was all gone and although I saved all I have written, I did not want it online anymore, I had to shift the focus of the blog and for the first time, I found myself at a loss for words…

I have let it be, posting a poem or two, not pushing myself, just letting the voice return, waiting to have something to say.

So as we are on the cusp of the new year, I reflect on what has past. I have manifested a lot in this year that I have wanted for a long time. After feeling like a nomad with all the different places I’ve lived, I have finally found a place I call home, where my restlessness is calmed and I want to root in. My business has not only stabilized but grown. In the coming year my goal is to get backup so I can travel without having to choose between losing work or working on the road. My kids are flourishing in the freedom of a safe and accessible community. I have found my physical strength and health with some great local trainers.

Next year I want myself and loved ones to continue to grow. I would welcome, too, the opportunity to meet someone who will grow with me without having to losing my voice again. Until then, life is good…

So as this year ends and the next one begins, remember it is just a passing day. Life is a journey without end. Embrace the soft curves as well as the sharp turns. Allow yourself to be led and find your voice.

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